WARNING: This post contains a topic of a sacred sexual nature and is intended for married couples only. Reader discretion is advised.
“How forcible are right words…” – Job 6:25
All of us have a preferred way of experiencing and expressing life and love. Do you know yours? How about your spouse’s?
Some are more visual than others. This means they learn better through seeing. They receive reassurance by being shown, and are sexually stimulated visually first. Arousal comes from seeing you undress, or doing an erotic dance, or doing sexual things to them while they look in a mirror or watch you.
Some are auditory. This means they relate best through hearing. They receive reassurance by being told and talked to. They are also sexually stimulated by being spoken to and/or hearing sounds that they associate with being aroused. These can be sounds of being told how attractive they are, sounds associated with sex, romantic music, or just being talked to or with.
Others are more kinesthetic by nature. These personalities need to touch. They receive reassurance through being held, or touched in some non-sexual way. They are also stimulated toward sexuality best through touch. They would consider their spouse stroking their genitals or other sexually sensitive part of their body as a romantic gesture.
Be aware that not everyone is exclusively one or the other. Most of us probably balance between two or more. But, chances are you will find they still lean towards one mode over the others.
How to determine which one your spouse leans towards?
Here is an easy test - based upon Gestalt therapy that was pioneered by Fritz Perls.
Ask your spouse what they remember about when you first met, or what they remember about your last sexually intimate encounter.
If they mostly look up while they are thinking, they are probably visual. If they mostly look to the side, they might be mostly auditory, and if they mostly look down while thinking, they could be primarily kinesthetic.
Once you determine your and your spouse’s particular ways of relating to others, you can experiment in ways to communicate with them that are deeper and more meaningful to them, and they with you.
For example: If they are visual, relate in terms of sight. Use phrases such as “I see what you mean” or “Let me show you what I would like you to do for me.”
If they are auditory, relate in terms of sound. Vary the tone of your voice to make it more pleasing. Use phrases such as “I hear what you’re saying” or “Let me tell you about this fantasy I have.”
If they are kinesthetic, they will prefer to experience touch or emotion first when relating to you. They may prefer you to relate in terms of feeling when you talk to them.
If they seem to be having a hard time understanding what you are trying to explain to them, you could say “I can feel how frustrated this must make you.” Or, if you are an auditory person and they talk the way you like to hear, you could say “I feel loved when you talk to me that way.”
“But to do good and to communicate forget not: for with such sacrifices God is well pleased.” – Hebrews 13:16
Creating good communication with your spouse can sometimes be a personal sacrifice. It means going out of your comfort zone to help them feel loved and cared for. Our marriages will grow and improve when we take the time and effort to make such a sacrifice. But, I believe God is pleased with our efforts, no matter how small they may be in the beginning.
Try this out with your spouse, and then let me know how it went. I would love to hear about your experiences.